The day I broke down at "Hello"

Today I broke down in tears when you said "Hello.." and "How are you?" Utterly simple, everyday words that shattered my control and split my heart into a million tiny pieces.. The heart that I had painstakingly tried to put back together slowly had split into a million tiny pieces all over again. Much the same way I had felt 4 months ago at the words "THIS IS Goodbye.." 

Why? Let me tell you the reasons..

You came into my life unexpectedly. Like rain on a hot summer day; you were a welcome relief from my dark, bleary existence. You became a very important part of my life, my light at the end of the tunnel. And that alone, is so much to be thankful about.

You were genuinely interested in me as a person, not as someone you could take advantage of. You asked me my dreams, and you shared me yours. You were happy at my small successes, and proud of my achievements. You were there when I am sad, and you laughed with me when I'm feeling good. We made plans and built dreams together. You and I, we were more than friends.. we were a team. Old souls that came together in mutual respect and understanding. And I've never been happier..

You showed me that I can be more.. and I tried to be. Not because I am not contented with myself.. but because I wanted to be more for you. I wanted to show you that I can be what you want, what you need. I changed myself.. because I wanted to show you that I am worthy.. of your time.. of your attention.. of you.

But as suddenly as you came, you walked out of my life so quickly too. There was no premonition of what was about to happen. No clue that the next days to come will be devoid of your existence. I was happy talking with you one day, the sun went down.. and Boom! For me, it never came up again. When you left, you took with you all the warmth.. all the happiness.. all the life out of me. And for months, the darkness stayed.

I know.. I am 100% to blame. I failed to follow the rules of the game. I was weak.. I did not realize that everyday I've been talking with you.. my cold, cynical heart had started to thaw and started feeling again. I fell for you.. hard. So hard that when you left, I was left devastated.. shattered into a million pieces. Everyday was a struggle to continue living. But I forged ahead. And I thought I did.

Don't get me wrong.. I do not blame you. Like me, I know that you were tackling your own private hell. Maybe a different hell than where I am, but dark nonetheless. All those months that I was in darkness, my only hope was that you become okay. That you get back whatever it is that you lost. And that you save whatever it is that needs saving.

I am not selfish.. I want you to be happy. Much as I am living in darkness, I want you to find what you are looking for. I wanted you to have what I cannot have. The thought that you had set things right was enough for me to move on and continue living. I had consoled myself to the fact that I had been a part of your life, and you of mine.. however short it had been.

But even as I had been telling myself all that, I still waited. Subconsciously I was hoping that you would follow through with your plans, come home and look for me. September came and went.. and with it.. all my hopes and dreams of ever seeing you again.

After allowing myself one last day to mourn.. walking 4 hours around our special places.. and shedding my last few tears.. I tried living again. Kept myself busy with all the little things I do to be occupied. And I had been a little successful, I really was. Until you said Hello.

Today, I am hunched on my arms and shedding more tears. Not because I am angry at you. Not because I do not want to accept you apology.. but because I realized how much I missed you.. and how foolish it is to think that I am okay. I am crying because no matter what I do.. my life will continue to be dark. The sun doesn't have plans of shining anytime soon. These tears are for what I lost and what I will never have a chance of getting again.

But more than that, I am crying because I felt that you're sad. I wish there is a way for me to make it better.. to help you set things right. I wish I can be there for you at your time of need, but I know that I cannot. I wish that I can be strong for you, but I know that you don't need it. These tears are for my helplessness.. for my weakness.. for the love that I had no chance to tell you, much less show you.

I thought Hello is a happy word.. now I know that Hello is just as sad as Goodbye..